Laying down the laws — in the air, on the ground

The other day, I thought of a new law that ought to be enacted.

The other day, I thought of a new law that ought to be enacted.

It was on a plane flight from Seattle to San Francisco. The woman in my row sitting in the window seat had pulled the shade down so she could sleep, depriving me and anyone else in our row of seeing out. Heck, there could have been all kinds of interesting things to ogle at — maybe even a monster on the wing like in that old episode of “Twilight Zone.” But I’d never know, thanks to Sleeping Beauty.

New law: “If you insist on a window seat, you must not pull the shade down without first consulting the other people sharing your row. It’s not, after all, your window — just your seat. If you want to sleep, bring some eye shades.”

There are plenty of other laws that ought to be put in place regarding air travel. Here are just two more:

• People who hog both armrests will be asked to move — or have one of their elbows removed.

• People who always keep their seats fully reclined, from take-off to landing, will be jettisoned out when the plane reaches it maximum altitude.

After consulting various other colleagues and relatives, here are some new laws to at least consider:

1. People who park at an angle so they are purposely taking up two spaces shall have their car towed and then be ordered to walk home. Barefoot.

2. The use of double negatives will bring a $200 fine. That fine is fixed and there isn’t no way to reduce it.

3. Also to be made illegal: That molded, clear-plastic packaging that everything at Costco seems to come in. You shouldn’t need a chain saw to open a two-pack of shampoo.

4. TV weather forecasters will now be required to actually look out the window at least once before going on the air. Even if someone has pulled the shade down to sleep.

5. Heavy fines will be imposed on those who take forever to order food in a restaurant. This particularly applies to people who walk into a McDonald’s with the express intention of ordering a quarter-pounder with fries, but then stand and stare at the menu board as if seeing it for the first time.

6. It shall be illegal for professional athletes to point to the sky every time they do something good, unless they also point to the ground every time they mess up. (However, TV weather forecasters can point to the sky when they get a forecast right.)

7. It shall be illegal for a newspaper columnist to make more than two rude remarks about TV weather forecasters in a single column.

8. Restaurants will be fined that display happy pigs, cows or chickens in their signage. Pigs, cows and chickens that are about to be eaten are not happy.

All will be punishable, if not by death, then torture.

Pat Cashman is a writer, actor and public speaker.